Into Stillness

I have just returned to work after spending a month at home recovering from H1N1 and pneumonia. I was content to rest, sleep, just lie still. I couldn't do anything else. (I have watched more TV than I care to admit, though mostly the reality shows that help people. The positive change on peoples' lives makes me happy.) Mostly I could not move and after a while settled into the space and became very peaceful and calm. I realize that I was not resisting anything. I was not worrying about anything. Mostly I was just being, being with the progression of the illness - its ups and downs.

The goal of conscious stillness is to move to the place of the Observer and that is just what happened. One day as I was lying on the couch I realized I was observing myself being in my house, just noting. I was noting that I live alone in a way I had not before. My dad passed at the end of June and had been my house mate for 11 years. The house was now empty. It was just me. It was a dispassionate, objective observation of my "NOW".

Of course that doesn't mean that no one provided support during this month-long illness. On the contrary, I am blessed with wonderful family, friends, and doctors, and was well supported in my recovery. But even bringing me wonton soup, a pot of chicken soup ,stew, or a care package, and groceries, which I so appreciated, didn't lesson the reality of my singularity.

That observation has led me to delve deeper than perhaps I have had the space to do in many years, to look within and ask what is it that I really want from my life at this point at time.
I don't necessarily have any answers, because I can't yet articulate all the questions. I feel myself changing. This is a significant juncture in my life, a time to take pause, stay still, and allow the answers and direction to emerge. I am patient, I am open, I am grateful for the calmness I still feel and that has carried over from my month as the ultimate couch potato. It is proving to be a most valuable time.

I understand now how immensely important it is to take long blocks of time for stillness and reflection. For me, daily meditation is so important, but not quite enough anymore. Creating space and a block of time, a weekend, a week, is essential to deeper understanding and to finding true inner peace and ones well being.

Last month Yoga Magazine had an article about creating your own retreat, what ever that means to you. They suggested a weekend at home or travel to some special retreat center. It could be whatever you want it to be. I was thinking of some day long retreats at my home where I would invite participants to chant, meditate, take mindfulness walks, and do something creative as a take away or reminder of the day. Winter is a time for going inward and helping to facilitate this for others would be very gratifying. I will keep you posted!